……回應你問How to let my body and/or my sense involve in this writing (…) so that it is still my practice related to my body sense/dance knowledge，我覺得兩人寫信就好似一齊instant composition，你寫有D嘢我或不會回應晒，因為用手寫會更無組織，因為好難好似電腦咁好容易更改，移動句子，可以話現在呢一刻上文，我諗緊你信入邊一D字，會即時影響到我呢一句寫咩，但又未去到Automatic Writing，我仲有我想人明白嘅intention，仍然有我心目中的觀眾，即是你。

sometimes something is dropped
sometimes something can be developed and continue
I don't know what response I will receive
I don't know what I will write in the next moment
Your sentences trigger some thoughts in my mind
Your experiences recall my memory
Everything has its own logic or not
建立 摧毀 重組

Instant composition 是一個輪迴，有時覺得喺同人一同舞蹈的短時間內，我經歷了人生的建立、摧毁、重組.……

……如果唔係諗遠咗定近左，我會覺得書寫給對方是另一個方式或condition去認識某一面的你<-->我。而將呢件事放係一個舞蹈的context，我依然嘗試以一個舞者的知識或理解去拿捏如何回應你給予的框架，如何去generate materials：文字、Thoughts、Possibilities， Relationship……如何去another but not to own。……

……感謝你同我分享你的迷惘同因為覺得我的信冇回應你的信而嬲嬲豬，我諗呢度帶出一個問題，咩係回應?點先叫回應緊一個人?我諗起我之前表演的一次經歷，嗰時係一個structural improvisation，有一位舞者投訴佢覺得佢成日都好似自己一個人做嗰件事而其他人無理佢冇同佢一齊，嗰時聽到有情緒，因為我自己覺得成group人都好努力用自己方式去回應，於是我諗，係一個排練場合，身貼身，大家都見到大家的情況下都有呢種感受落差的情緒時，我哋喺書寫，唔見面，只用文字呢種溝通方式，冇得即時去梳理，中間有好多沉靜的等待，到底係今時今日係製造緊一個點樣的身體經驗?

到底係令我哋距離近咗定完咗?

How can togetherness be developed in distance?……

……到最後或者係一個又一個你形容為cheesy嘅Scores，去令我做某些東西時address/ feel your presence，令「我」進入你的腦袋，又或者呢種覺得我哋係仲一齊，係一種好玄的信念。

呢個信念trust，係Lepecki ‘’Inscribing Dance’’₍₁₎ 有講過，佢成日講Orchesography 呢個故事，呢個字literally mean the writing of movement，喺16世紀一個年輕律師Capriol 請求佢master Arbeau 將佢的舞蹈寫下，Capriol said ‘’Do not allow this (Dance disappearance) to happen, Monsieur Arbeau, as it is within your power to prevent it. Set these things down in writing to enable me to learn this art, and in so doing you will seem reunited to the companions of your youth.’’

於是Arbeau 寫下Orchesography，相信咁樣就可以將佢嘅舞蹈記下，而Capriol亦有一個信念，當Arbeau死後，佢同後人能夠透過閱讀呢啲符號文字去再次感受Arbeau的舞蹈，他的靈魂。

當舞譜或其他想記錄舞蹈的文字出現是為咗處理舞蹈稍遜即逝，再睇唔返嘅呢個恐懼時，喺呢張紙上面寫或係令你或之後的你或再再之後的你雖然可能再見唔到我的身體，但仍然喺我缺席的情況下，拎著呢封信，再與我接近。……

……之前好多時，你分享你仲拿揑緊如何寫信俾我，我好奇呢種想法關唔關你aware 呢d 文字會俾其他人睇到，呢張紙係一個performing space with audience (except me) ……

…… And yes I’m very aware that I’m working on a project that is with a specific time length and will be materials for someone and something else. So I’m constantly processing how to position myself, what to speak, what to give or not give. It’s definitely more than just chatting on a personal level or on telegram.

And since it’s a project under your name as the creator, somehow I still don’t exactly know where the parameters and what is breakable and what is not. (And I’m still exploring haha) Let’s say how often to write and reply. On my side, I made myself a role to keep time for writing at least one letter to you every week. It also comes from my concern that we are generating materials and you will need time to process afterwards before publishing, which is not long from now. So I cannot just say I’m tired and skip it, as I'm being paid to work something. (maybe it’s a rigid labour mentality...) So this writing is definitely a thing more than just friendship and closeness, but also a work, a work that relates to exploring being in relation with the other in a specific form, or somehow I feel it’s a work that relates to accompanying your exploration on being in distance and desiring proximity. So I might be still processing what kind of a writing partner I’m performing in this work with you. And I just like to name them, It doesn’t mean they are facts or I demand solutions.

But I think I’m also losing a little more bit by bit through experiencing the way we are developing our ways and understanding of this letter/ email writing between us. ……

……I think in comparison to you, I can also say if I write to you in long paragraphs privately about a topic, the use of my wordings will be more or less the same. I guess. This reminds me of your long-time practice of how to use the knowledge of being a dancer to approach things. Perhaps you have a certain kind of awareness that I do not have.

Indeed, I am intended to tell myself to place less concern of “This is a letter that will be published. ” Not that I don't really care about the reader, but I am negotiating how to really keep the authentic texture of a letter writing, because I think that kind of letters (not the official working letter) create closer proximity to the receiver and also the reader. I totally understand to reach this authenticity is already impossible once it becomes an invitation to send to a collaborator, with a working contract.

However, thank you for pointing this out. Please feel free to ask for any parameters that you want clarification.……

……
依幾日諗起你都係度諗緊應該覆你email 先定telegram 先
然後就會諗個分別係咩
而係不斷寫不斷編修嘅過程我會意識到自己會有選材。
會渴望能夠準確地表達
會無得咁家常便飯咁講一切
會預期好多事都無法係信上溝通到
會諗，如何去講我想同你講嘅野，
會諗，你會如何去接收（甚至係其他讀到依啲文字嘅人）
然後我會知自己並非單單同緊你寫信，
I'm performing an exercise of, writing a letter to SW in this project.
which there is a difference for me to write you on telegram
I would not say it's very different but for sure there is a difference in the way how I perform myself.

就可能係，當我地係studio見面，係餐廳，有有其他人在場，係睇完表演後，依啲唔同情況都會影響到我地對話嘅內容同方式。
而我仲摸索緊，喺我同你依個寫信的關係入面，個埸景係點，我嘅位置係邊。

唔知relevant or not，但之前睇 The Spectator and the Spectacle 抄低咗，分享吓

"authenticity is not a fixed state but a socially constructed concept'’ whose significance is not given; we should worry less about the authenticity of site and more about the manner of negotiation of its meaning"……

……不過你又令我諗起，依幾年努力處理讀書跳舞移民生計嘅生活，令我無太去投入去感受同理解自己身處緊嘅依個城市。

and I ask myself how do i localize myself through placing my body in the places of this city, to build relationships with them. Maybe for a long time, I place myself into a rather close space (physically and mentally), to keep distance with things, to try to focus on accomplishing what I aim for, but also forget to live in this city, and at this stage of my life I now desire to explore more. ……

……有時我會覺得當我喺柏林愈留得耐去建立同呢個城市同人的connection時，我亦失去緊(或摧毁緊) 我同香港的連繫，但最近個人開始有番少少樂觀，或者唔係失去，而係提供一個新視點去重看同重組自己同一個地方的關係。
我好驚返去，好驚返去發現我再返唔到去，發現我嘅諗法已經改變到同嗰度嘅人溝通唔到，好驚發現係呢個仲未搵到家的感覺同時返到香港發現自己格格不入，兩頭唔到岸的狀態。

Same in instant composition.

Sometimes the moment you decide to reset requires great courage.

但我好喜歡舞蹈reset的moment，係好需要當刻對自己嘅相當了解同覺察你先知this is the moment for reset。……

我正在準備降落香港。

係轉機去搭呢班飛去香港的飛機時，開始見番好多香港臉口，聽到廣東話，個種講野方式，聽到空姐講英文同普通話，唔洗問就知佢係香港人。有無熟悉感？好似無，反而有種抗拒，唔知點解，……

之前去一個event 當中只三個亞洲人，到係德國出世長大亞洲人，我好感覺到其中一個人哋避開緊我，唔想同我講野，我成日到遇到係外國亞洲人避亞洲人情況，好似同到一個外國人講野威水過同一個亞洲人，但呢d 都可能係我projection。

我等緊行李，幻想緊我而家屋企間房變成點，幻想緊訓番張訓左好耐嘅床。
聽到老遠的對話，呢種靈敏度，係環境聽到嘅語言再唔係嘈音而係有內容….
之後我發現我用緊呢個打字俾你方式作為一種陪伴我呢個陌生而熟悉的降落。

剛才一落機成班海關係到截外國人嚇親，以為係警察
剛才發現新e 道有面容識辨同QR code.

（上左巴士）

發現巴士車費好便宜，機場到大埔甘遠都係$13.9， 即係兩歐
發現諗番一開始去德國買咩都要轉港紙，到而家調番轉
發現巴士屏幕會寫住葉車長為你服務 Bus Captain Yip is serving you 員工編號:xxxxx
發現仲有好多人載口罩
發現巴士上有枝消毒手液
發現空氣濕度在皮膚的重量

發現我呢封信好散
呢種鬆散所有野好似無關無謂但有些東西又generate 緊出黎但你無辦法（可能都無需要）講到底做緊咩
令我諗起星期四睇嘅Jen Rosenblit‘s Everybody Fantasy 表演個structure

打字俾你作為一種方式陪伴我呢個陌生而熟悉的降落

我有無address 緊你
我只是一把聲音
喋喋不休
不停在你眼前說話
關上電郵信件
我的某些說話會留在你腦中
My mind, my words lives inside your brain

……

hope you experience the landing or the shaking of the “landing” well. also enjoy the summer soundscape there, it reminds me of 蟬 and 電視聲。

……

Glad to accompany you through distance

……香港好焗好熱，我開始掛住柏林的夏天，仲有時要著長袖的夏天。我濕疹返左黎幾日就起到好紅，有趣係紅的地方，包括奇怪位，例如係大髀內側中間上兩寸，同我走之前會紅的地方一樣，身體好似被program左，或者呢種都叫做body memory?

關於香港價值觀，話說呢幾日我係甘躝街，好耐無躝過街，係柏林都係去市集、去超市、去人屋企、去餐廳，會散步但係唔會躝街，於是我有新發現，香港係一個好易躝街的地方，而個種躝街通常都係好關消費事，躝個街就會唔覺入左間店，周圍貢下，就買左d野，個種行幾步就一間店再行幾步就另一間店，有時你真係無特別野想買想食，但都會行入店兜個圈，都會行行下買左野食，之後甘就一日。

我回想我未去柏林有錢時，放工都係甘過，其實係一種娛樂，行幾步就去左日本，再行幾本就去左泰國，但離開呢種城市結構、行走模式一排再返去，就醒覺原來係香港開心係消費消費同消費。(雖然野食、好多野、好多服務因為無稅、低最低工資同其他原因比歐洲便宜好多……係好爽..... as a consumer...）……

hey SW,

坐緊火車去Giessen 工作

10:11am

一個人獨佔車廂

兩邊窗好

大遍田野，尚早，有綿綿嘅雲，soft blue sky

[間唔時見到一堆堆風力發電機]

岩岩食咗個朝早整定嘅yogurt，有蘋果香蕉燕麥，chia flax seed

[一個鐘咁就過咗，係寫完又刪，刪完又寫嘅過程，我依然未知點樣去寫依封信]

……

上年番香港可能係因為翻黎參加O 葬禮嘅源故，我無好大食慾

但食咗幾次富粥，M記同埋好多雞蛋仔(不過無食到我最想食嘅南山村雞蛋仔)

果陣忽發奇想，諗緊自己究竟係食緊食物的味道定我對依啲食物投射的回憶

I have difficulties to write more about my experience in Hong Kong,

my most recent time was last year in Dec, a very short but intense trip

and then it was 2019, also another very intense moment. and then it was maybe 2016 or 17

I don't know which door to open or how to direct myself right now

writing them in a letter is quite an effort to process.……

Dear Cary,

原來已經回港18日，我而家喺房，閉上門，係一個唔太舒服嘅姿勢，把張椅子當成桌子，坐喺地下，寫呢封信。閉門係想有自己空間，但屋企人傾電話聲會傳入嚟。夏天好濕好熱，要開大門，喺屋企經常聽到鄰居同佢小朋友自己同自己玩的聲音、走廊聲、電視聲、傾電話聲、炒餸聲......

我坐喺呢個地下，地上鋪滿我的皮屑，因為皮膚越嚟越差，闊別兩年半的濕疹重回身體，皮膚上，手指上會生水粒，R痕係每日不停重複的動作。 你講到你嗰時喺澳洲兩年回港時感受到嘅濕熱感，我喺香港機場都感受到空氣在皮膚上的重量，往後日子，大汗的我總會有一層水氣在皮膚，或者都係令我濕疹的原因。

我以為呢次旅程會我會好多感受，好多嘢想講，我係咁諗香港除咗食嘢同買嘢好方便同便宜之外,我仲有咩留戀。或者再過多幾年，一切執着，留戀都會飛散，In-between，就係一個等待執着消散，感受沉澱的過程，或者呢10幾日，心裏講得最多就係「呀......係呀，香港就係咁」，離開後再次發現感受自己成長的城市，發現有些價值是根深蒂固，離開一段時間再回來能幫助覺察， 但要打破，甚至遠距離打破，不容易。又或者覺得需要打破是一種執着，已經運行幾廿年嘅系統，我們的存在會影響到嗎? 遇上一位artist，they說「as a transgender-person, I believe only my presence is already affecting & circulating something」，一年回來數星期，盡情吃喝玩樂，好像不錯，但我能滿足嗎? 我以為經過這十幾天，我已經好清晰我哋去留，但寫寫下我又懷疑了。

講返濕，濕令好多東西都發霉發黃，呢幾日都忙於處理個人物件，搭車時會發現好多建築物外牆多咗灰色裂縫，好多門都多咗歲月痕跡，有啲似有時好耐冇見一個人，之後見到會突然發現佢蒼老咗好多......

回港後我好似明白多咗少少我今次行動除咗想處理一些我對離開香港的一些urgency，其實都係因為一種「無法正常如常創作」的無力狀態，我冇辦法做到馬照跑，舞照跳，但同時又深知行動之重要。又或者一個跳舞嘅工作者，能夠選擇舞不照跳，係一種privilege，或者今時今日喺香港需要諗的並不是創作、跳舞仲有咩用? 而係諗我們應該如何共同創作? 我們該如何回應?

早前去了Asia Arts Archive (AAA),搵到<<越界>>，打開接近我出身年份嗰期 (好似咁啱係最尾嗰兩期)，見到也斯呢篇文，之後發現呢篇文我早就喺 <<他的煩惱娃娃的旅程>> 讀過，忘記了，在好時機， 再重遇。容我借他的文字回應你不能寫你回港的經歷的處境。

附上我在街上行走聽你錄音時,同時錄下我身邊的聲音。

感謝您!

祝安好

Suet Wa

5/7/2023

……係呢個project入面，score，係咩……

……

Score as a way to create certain proximity

Score as a way to invite other to imagine

Score as a way of addressing someone or something as in writing

Score as a way to move together beyond time and space

Score as something that is not a final product

……

……Score wise, it’s good to read the few sentences you collected about score, it gives some perspectives. If you have more to share please do. I also think my score wasn’t too clear and I found difficulties with it too. But it was a sudden thought while writing you the previous letter that maybe I can practice the act of “making a choice or a clear intention” and share briefly with the other as a way to get to know what is in the other’s minds lately. Anyway it’s a try out, I also don't feel the need to keep doing it.

And I just went to Alice Chauchat’s dance gathering this evening.

(Writing you on my way home and I have been standing in the station for maybe half an hour to try to finish this lol)

I somehow feel the score “doubles in parallel lives“ can be relevant to us. And maybe we can adapt it into our context? Let’s brainstorm it together if you are also into it.

From Alice-

You know about doubles in parallel lives, don’t you? Probably met them in books or movies?

This is a dance where our respective dances are such doubles.

We dance side by side, we have different lives and different dances,

and we enjoy the augmentation of our life through the presence of our double.

Like another potential that we have, another side of us.

We will stop when we are tired or feel that we are done.

In our case, maybe we can choose a moment of time to continue our activities while actively imagining, thinking of the other, our double, is on the other side having some other potentialities in their life/ dance. It reminds me how you liked奇斯洛夫斯基 and his 兩生花 somehow. ……

……琴日去食富粥，諗起你，之後見到大大隻德國寶同柏林城係右邊，仲寫住Berlin 1967 年至今香港製造。好無聊 哈哈 It is quite hard to think of you actively continuously but It is very easy to think of you when I see something.

I actually think a lot about how your space and other awareness developed in the practice of being a dancer felt at that time when you first went back to HK after some years. Because I did feel a lot (most of the awareness are quite 無聊，like I feel like I am much taller now as the people besides me in Hong Kong are shorter - - so i feel like I walk with a straighter spine. )

Adding to your "score", maybe the moment when you actively think of me (still figuring out what does that mean) while continuing your life, remember what you are seeing, hearing and sensing in those moments. At night, find a time to write and describe these moments to me.……

1. Score 對你來說是什麼? What is Score for you?
2. Presence 對你來說是什麼? What is Presence for you?
3. 什麼時候你會覺得和人接近? When do you feel in proximity with someone?
4. 什麼時候你會覺得和人共同在一起? When do you feel togetherness with someone?
5. 你在柏林、在異地的時候會有想和香港繼續連繫的渴望嗎? 如果有,你會如何處理? When you were in Berlin or other countries, did you have the desire to still stay in connection with Hong Kong? If yes, how did you deal with it?

我諗起中小學學笛或者唱合唱團果陣睇譜，明明係同一份譜，就係有啲人會演得好聽啲
果陣接觸嘅大多數係西方樂譜，大多數會用分數去評定邊個好啲邊個差啲
it relates to: to perform, performance quality, comparison
.
係跳舞嘅過程，我諗起睇過依啲：
Yuko Ono's event scores: Grapefruit
John Cage's "silence" score: 3.44.
Deborah Hay's solo dance score: No time to Fly 2010,
Nancy Stark Smith's improvisation structure: underscore
Anna Halprin talks about score in Making dances that Matter:
佢地都係美國，差唔多同一個時代嘅人，
it relates to instructing, guiding, performing,
maybe it is also related to opening possibilities, breaking some rigid boundaries at that time
.
之前睇Bessel Van Der Kolk 嘅 The Body Keeps the Scores,
裡面大概係講，受創傷嘅人，佢地嘅腦同身體會帶住記憶，而依啲記憶會不受控咁重覆播放影響日常行為
the past has becomes a score that still runs in our daily living
it is related to remembering, reenacting...
.
working as a dancer performer,
when I perform, I think im ongoing dealing with scores,
interpreting and playing within the scores that are given by someone,
I feel differently every time when I perform the scores, no matter big or small differences, there is a difference.
at the same time, to interpret and to perform the score, I can choose "scores" that I have learnt or experienced before,
to use them as a filter and to apply them into what i am experiencing at the moment
sometimes, scores also comes to me without me inviting them

I feel the knowing of the absence matters a lot.

when we both treasure the moment of being with the other in the same space
when i am in a dance class or in a dance studio together with others
when I miss someone
I think sometimes it's about mutual acknowledgment, sometimes it's an attention towards the presence of the absent

rarely
or rather momentary.
I don't think I feel it in the moment, more through thinking about what has happened, I remember the feeling of it.
Sometimes I also think it's just a fantasy.

十八歲第一次離開香港，去澳洲讀書
當時身邊好多人都有homesick， 但我半點想番香港的慾望都無
我內疚咗一段時間
但我記得果陣成日聽林一峰
一六年瑞典
果陣有好多一個人嘅時間
我經常去森林站樁 （應該大概喺一五年，我係香港跟可凡第一次接觸太極）
我記得，有時係站嘅過程我會想像:
I am rooting myself and my root is reaching far,
on the surface and under the surface
also,
people who i missed are standing on the same ground
so I let go more my weight to be closer with the ground
一九年六月去倫敦探朋友
同兩位香港朋友一邊睇直播，一邊唱 At 17 version 嘅 一萬一千公里
知道九月會番香港，會諗有無啲咩可以分享到，會想見想見嘅人
平時我諗，我無特別想同香港連繫。
有些人和事會記掛在心。有時會想聽廣東歌，會煲粥，屋企有幾本中文書
最極端果陣會想好好生活

Dear Cary,

I went downstairs. I went to the S-bahn Hermannstraße station. I got on the train. I saw one guy who was in a conversation with a girl in German happily and they did not know each other.

I seated. I traveled to Charlottenburg. I walked out from the station. I walked under the sun and the chill weather. I breathed in deeply and enjoyed the last bit of this amazing Berlin weather. I thought of you. I thought on what occasion and when will we be in Hong Kong at the same time.

I bought an Apfelkuchen in the canteen. I ate. I carried equipment. I set up a camera. I worked. I said 'Ciao!'. I walked under the sun. I went to U-bahn U2 in the direction to Pankow. I got off at the U-bahn Märkisches Museum. I walked to Theaterhaus Berlin Mitte.

I did not recognize the technician there, who said hi to me, because he was outside with sunglasses. I said hi back to him after 5 seconds. I walked upstairs. I entered the rehearsal room. I greeted. I set up the camera. I watched the first run-through. I worked.

I saw that production making is all about relationships and friendships. I thought of us. I thought we would never be able to work like this. I saw how friendship is built through having fun in a performance together. I have a lot of thoughts about the performance language and imagination I have and how it is related to Hong Kong inside the rehearsal room. I have the desire to mess around seriously.

I said 'Ciao'. I walked down the stairs. I went to U-Bahn U8 in the direction to Hermannstraße. I got off. I bought a Rosemary plant in the REWE supermarket. I went to the DM and got a free box of tissue paper. I thought about Hong Kong because this one box of tissue paper with 160 pieces cost 2 Euro. I thought of my mother because she always bought boxes of tissue paper when it was 1 or 2 HK dollars cheaper and accumulated them in different corners of the house.

I walked back home. I went upstairs. I received a postcard in German from a stranger. I greeted my housemate. I removed my contact lens. I took a shower. I cooked. I put my dirty clothes into the washing machine. I turned on the washing machine. I turned on the TV and watched the Tagesschau news from Germany. I ate rice noodles with fish balls, lettuce, fried eggs and sausages. I cleaned up. I turned off the TV. I played the handpan.

I felt tired. I lied on the bed. I was reading something like ''What career is best for you.'' on my phone. I fell asleep. I felt trapped because I fell asleep on the bed with the light on every night this week. I managed to wake up and brushed my teeth. I took out the cleaned laundry inside the washing machine.

I wanted to wrote to you. I took out a white A4 paper and and wrote 'Dear Cary, How are you? 唔知點解，可能因為聽得你多講關於你今次返香港'. I stopped. I tuned on my Laptop. I typed to you in English. I thought of a score I tried with Paula. I changed.

I wanted to send you a voice recording to you on 22 July 2023 when I was in Hong Kong but I forgot to send. I found and listened to this recording coincidentally on U-Bahn the day after we talked about the nudity and sense of intimacy to hear our own voice recording and put it in a public space.

I felt surreal to hear this recording with the familiar HK MTR background sound in my quiet room in Berlin.

It is 3:33 am here. I need to wake up at 7am to repeat 80% of what I wrote above. I stop here.

Saying good morning and sending hug to you,
Suet Wa
15 Sep 2023